Anxiety, by me

I spend too much time on the internet. But, it's not an overstatement to say that the internet has and continues to save me.

For instance, in 2018, at the age of 33, the internet helped me to perform a very scientific self diagnosis. While reading an info-graphic on Instagram, I said; “WTF? I have anxiety??”

I had never labeled the feeling.

I hadn't thought that anything was "a problem". Or at least nothing that wouldn’t just go away, eventually.  I just knew that there were periods of time when I was really sad. And there were periods of time that I had...that feeling. I didn’t even describe it to myself. I never tried to define it. I minimized it because it was normal. I thought, this is what it is to be me. It came and it went.

I know people have wondered. More importantly, I wonder myself; “what's wrong with you?”. I have lots of ideas, lots of creativity. I am intelligent enough and talented enough to be successful. And yet, I’m not. The anxiety has been debilitating. I chose to write about my anxiety as my 1st post, because it has played a major part in why I’ve taken so long to start the blog.

I called my feeling ‘being overwhelmed’. But here was this social media post, telling me I had anxiety. It was describing feelings that I thought were unique to me.  Armed with a name for my feeling, I began to observe it. It seemed that this feeling had appeared more frequently and more intensely as the years went by. The instances of me flaking out on events or opportunities, happened week after week. I would consider leaving the house and my breath would quicken. “Go?...out? Like, out the house? No.” I blamed it on not having money (which was true), on feeling awkward (which was true) but it was really all that plus... this unnamed feeling of HELL NOPE. I’d flake out and spend the day in bed.

The moment that I realized I needed to do something about my anxiety came Fourth of July, 2019, I had told a friend that I would attend a little get together, nothing major, very casual. At the store looking for something to wear, I started to have- the feeling. My chest tightened. My head pounded. The urge to cry was overwhelming. I found it hard to breathe...I couldn't fight the tears or get control of my breathing. I walked out the store to my car and focused on my breathing- trying to take in air slowly. Trying to calm down. And I cried. Hard. When I could breathe normally, I called my friend and told her that I couldn’t go to the thing. Every single thing wrong in my life was somehow triggered by not finding something to wear to this event. I was upset with myself, but relieved. My friend tried to feign a tone of understanding. I could tell she was disappointed, and annoyed.

That frustration, the lack of understanding...that’s the second worst part of dealing with this. I’ve started to open up about my anxiety- thinking I owed people an explanation and in the efforts of not holding everything in.

Dude’s shirt.

I casually would say, “I think I have anxiety attacks sometimes…” Then there’s the doubt; “all of a sudden you’re having anxiety, are you sure?”. What am I gonna say, ‘well, I saw this thing on the internet…’?  or they’ll ask “anxious about what?”. ‘What am I anxious about?’ …Life.

And I feel like I’m not always taken seriously. On top of all that, I absolutely HATE for people to think of me as weak. So, talking about this has been a bit of it’s own struggle.

A few days after that anxiety attack, a picture came across my Twitter timeline. The guy in the picture had on a shirt that read: “Fuck Xanax” and it named a few things that I wasn’t familiar with. I was intrigued and hopeful. I needed something. I knew I could get some edibles or smoke to relax but I can’t go to work high and I don’t want to be in a haze everyday of my life. I began to research the stuff on this dude’s t-shirt.

Ashwagandha was touted to be good for anxiety, depression, and stress. Well, that was 3 of my 99 problems. I had attempted some other things before but they didn't seem to work or maybe I ain't try hard enough. At any rate, I decided to give it a try. I was excited. 

I expected that it would take weeks before I felt a change.

I felt the darkness over me start to lift the very next day. I hadn’t realized how foggy my thinking was. I thought that because I was strong, I could just deal. It wasn’t until I had a clear head that I realized how bad things had been. I considered that it could be a placebo effect, but decided that it didn’t matter. It worked for me.

In the months that I’ve been taking this, there have been periods of time when I’ve forgotten to take the dose only to realize it when I’m walking out of work to go cry in the car. Or when I can’t breathe at my desk. So, I don’t think it’s a placebo. It has helped me so much. I HAVE to spread the word. Clearly, I’m not a medical professional, I’m just sharing my experience. Maybe it can help you. Look it up, see a doctor.

Ashwagandha is not a cure all.

This is the first brand that I tried and the one that I continue to use:

I was involved in an accident on Labor Day weekend last year. I was so upset and stressed...thinking about the money, thinking ‘why me?’, thinking about how everything in my life was terrible. I got to the emergency room and my blood pressure and pulse were so high that they gave me an EKG. That gave me more stress. I was thinking; ‘an EKG??? That sounds expensive... Is my heart fucked up?… I’m about to die’ 

The doctor came in and told me the EKG looked really good. Then, he asked me if I suffer from anxiety. I thought about mentioning the picture I saw on Instagram, but instead I replied; “I think so”. He suggested that I speak to my primary care provider. I did. I told her that it seemed to be much worse after this accident, she prescribed some anti-anxiety meds and suggested I find: A THERAPIST.

It felt good to have a diagnosis, to know that I wasn’t tripping. I wasn’t over-reacting. At that point, I felt validated. What I was experiencing was valid. I researched the drug she prescribed and decided not to take it. There are still times that the ashwaghanda doesn’t seem as effective as I need. Maybe I’ll find something else. I’ll make that decision later. I haven’t gotten a therapist either, but it’s on my to-do list.

Anxiety has put a stop to many of my starts. However, the awareness of my anxiety was the catalyst to me seeking relief, finding ashwagandha, considering therapy, and working with myself instead of always wondering what is wrong with me. I feel better than I EVER have. If you’re open to it, please share your experiences with anxiety and what you do to deal in the comments.

Thank you for reading!

-Gigi